When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
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Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Me, in DM rooms…
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Welcome
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.