Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
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While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.