Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
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[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
#Caturday
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.