My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
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My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Vodka burrito was a success
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Why is this me 😫
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.