[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
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When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
kevin is now a local weatherman
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Blew out my flip flop…
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.