Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
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[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
my friends when i can’t do basic math
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.