I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
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Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
wishing you and yours all the best
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Labreador