*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
You Might Also Like
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
this article brought to you by lions
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?