When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
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Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Well, that should do it
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.