Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
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Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
iPhone X
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.