Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
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Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
some things should go without saying
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.