I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
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i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Gods work.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
December birthdays be like…