Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
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ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.