Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
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Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Smooooooth
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted