*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
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@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Everyone’s family
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
My therapist after every session
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Ooops wrong house😂😜
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
This squirrel eats better than I do
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.