“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
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good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Velcrow
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.