Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
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Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.