Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
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My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Not today.. 😂
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.