Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
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The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
new career option?
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.