Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
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Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.