The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
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Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.