I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
You Might Also Like
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Welcome to the stomach
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]