*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
You Might Also Like
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
School be like
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
need him