Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
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Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I want to meet the individual who made this
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine