DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
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I WON A HAM TODAY
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
The internet is full of many things
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
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“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.