In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
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I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats