Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
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Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?