You Might Also Like
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person