For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
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Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh