ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
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Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Love this guy
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.