College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
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*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Husband of the year 😂
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.