My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
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My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I love you…
…r dog.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
FINE, I WON’T.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
*seductively eats two tums*
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too