me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
You Might Also Like
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*