I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
You Might Also Like
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”