I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
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me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password