“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
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Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.