Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
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Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]