2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
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I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I just ran a .003048K
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶