Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
You Might Also Like
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.