Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
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If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
is there nothing we can trust anymore
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Need WebMD
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.