“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
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Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
gentlemen, hear me out
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick