*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
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“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
no cat here
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]