[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
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My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Selfie
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.