[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
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Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.