I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
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If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
A choir of Spring onions
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu