Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
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Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car