Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
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I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.