No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
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*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
i spent way too long on this
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
seems like a niche market
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while