Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
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I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Oh my god
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Friday