i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
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me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.